The "I'm writing a book" thread

Talk about things that are not making games here. But you should also make games!

Moderators: Bob the Hamster, marionline, SDHawk

Post Reply
User avatar
BennyJackdaw
Red Slime
Posts: 55
Joined: Wed Sep 23, 2020 11:28 am

Post by BennyJackdaw »

As far as rule go, one of the species in my book is capable of magic to a limited extent. That's about the only special rule in my story.

Anyway, I decided to write up a prologue. Since humans are not going to be in the story, I thought I could at least tie them into the creation of the characters. I hope that helps.




Monstrum Gaidens presents
Weight and See Vol 1:
Ricky's Sumotoran Trial



Prologue

It may be hard to imagine, but perhaps you can, imagine a world filled with any random combination of creatures that may come to your mind. Imagine a creature that walks on two legs, has the scales of an alligator, and the jaw of a hippopotamus. Imagine giant pigs that breathe fire, or real foxes that fly, or even intelligent creatures that can give others rides on their back. There is a good chance that those things all exist right here in Monstrum.

With a slew of different creatures comes a slew of different societies. Imagine a whole entire city built inside a series of caves. Perhaps you could imagine a city built among the tree tops, or a city built inside a colorful swamp, or even a city that floats on water. There are no restrictions or limitations here. If you can imagine a city existing in any given location, a resident of Monstrum has probably helped craft that city.

How did such creatures and civilizations come into existence? Many claim that they were created by an ancient civilization that is now extinct. Although much of the past has been covered up by those who wish to not relive the past, there is documented proof that they were created by the ancients out of boredom. Whatever they could think of, they would try it to create it, but it wasn't easy.

Creating the first resident of what would become the normal in this world took years of trial and error. Many of their experiments started out as dysfunctional mutants. The first successful creatures to exist were merely a combination of one random animal and themselves. They started out by creating anthropomorphic bears and other mammals before they could create many of the magnificent hybrids that scatter Monstrum. Now, there are over 200 different species that inhabit the world. All of it was possible thanks to the ancients, and many of those creatures can proudly state What the ancients called themselves: human beings.
User avatar
Pepsi Ranger
Liquid Metal Slime
Posts: 1457
Joined: Thu Nov 22, 2007 6:25 am
Location: South Florida

Post by Pepsi Ranger »

It's interesting.

Whether it needs to be in the story or outside of it (in the marketing, perhaps) will depend on how the story plays out, but I do like it. Good job.
Place Obligatory Signature Here
User avatar
BennyJackdaw
Red Slime
Posts: 55
Joined: Wed Sep 23, 2020 11:28 am

Post by BennyJackdaw »

Pepsi Ranger wrote:It's interesting.

Whether it needs to be in the story or outside of it (in the marketing, perhaps) will depend on how the story plays out, but I do like it. Good job.
I'm trying. I am going back to reading your advice going forward into the second draft of my book. I'm not sure I fully understand it just yet, but I'm trying.

I do understand that my story cannot be 100% original. I'm not trying to make a story that is 100% original, for that is impossible. One particular cliche I want to avoid at all costs, and I feel like I see this everywhere in modern media , is when humans are portrayed as one giant Mary sSue, and that everything must Bend to the will of the humans and no matter how destructive we get, there should be no consequences for our actions . Even when humans are not portrayed as a Mary Sue, they are still portrayed as the only good and valuable creature except for maybe very common pet animals . Whenever a good guy non-human is to exist, they either have to be a cat, dog, horse, or look almost exactly like human . Everything else is evil and worthless and it just exists to kill and be killed by humans. Having humans be the only good guys isn't so much a deal-breaker, especially if the story focuses on a human society in particular, but when it happens in a fantasy universe that could have all these cool and unique monsters and creatures, and every last one of them is evil or disposable except anything that looks like humans, I hate that. It's a big thing that ruined video games like Star Ocean, shining resonance, Witcher 3 and several other video games, and it's also a big reason I don't like Gravity Falls.

I know a lot of people will argue that virtually everything that talks and acts like a human is human. I disagree. I personally believe that once you remove Humanity from the aesthetic of something, they are no longer human. I know that's kind of a shallow way of looking at things, but personally when I see an anthropomorphic Fox, I see a fox and not a human regardless of how the character performs. When I see elves, I just see pointy-eared humans. I feel similarly with dwarves and vampires and nekomimis ETC. But anthropomorphic animals I treat as anthropomorphic versions of those respective animals, especially if they use traits from the real animals that they are based off of.

Ricky has a prehensile tail, which he uses quite a lot. Dobbins is a bear, so he has an incredible sense of smell that surprisingly comes in handy during the story. Maya is based off aquatic creatures, so she can breathe underwater. Just a few examples of how I am trying to tie the actual creatures that my characters are based off of into the characters themselves.
User avatar
BennyJackdaw
Red Slime
Posts: 55
Joined: Wed Sep 23, 2020 11:28 am

Post by BennyJackdaw »

I am trying to think about how the dream should play out, assuming I'm going to keep the dream sequence. Part of me doesn't want Ricky to seem overpowered Doreen the dream because I'm worried people will mistake him for a Marty Stu. At the same time, he is daydreaming during work, so he would probably have full control over his dream, and if he is dreaming of becoming a superhero, he probably wouldn't dream about himself losing. What if I cut off the dream before the actual fight starts, or even bring up during the dream that it is, in fact, a dream?
User avatar
Pepsi Ranger
Liquid Metal Slime
Posts: 1457
Joined: Thu Nov 22, 2007 6:25 am
Location: South Florida

Post by Pepsi Ranger »

You could just try a version where he's sitting in a chair at work one moment and fighting crime the next, then have him "snap out of it." You don't have to keep that version, certainly, but it might generate new ideas by having it exist. Robert McKee, the story coach that the Oscar winners go to for advice, suggests that it takes twenty variations of a scene to get it right. I personally think that's extreme, but the point stands. Don't limit yourself to one version of the scene. Write several and see which one sticks in your head the longest.
Place Obligatory Signature Here
User avatar
BennyJackdaw
Red Slime
Posts: 55
Joined: Wed Sep 23, 2020 11:28 am

Post by BennyJackdaw »

(I decided to add more to the prologue to help start with the World building, give a brief introduction to Ricky's way of life, and even set up for the dream sequence.)




Among these creatures, there are many different societies with their own cities, customs, religions and ways of life. In addition, there are hundreds of different countries, but they are scattered about only two continents: Mythos and Imajinak. This story starts in one particular location of Monstrum: a lakeside city named Taurn, situated in Northern Ohara, a continent in the middle of Imajinak.

Taurn was a bustling city residing cliffside in a series of caves. Some of the buildings that made up this city were built inside the largest caves. Some homes even were caves. The caves were all connected by wood and scaffolding. Decades of hard work resulted in a thriving community with wooden paths that could take you anywhere to the city and even beyond.

Most of the job sites rested at the lowest part of the cliff, where the docks allowed boats to come in and out of Taurn, shipping goods all around the massive lake. Residing in the biggest cave jutting out into the lake was a big warehouse where many monsters worked. This warehouse was pivotal in the transportation of goods to cities across the land. Many of the monsters who worked there were content with their lives. Some may already have found success, and just want an easygoing job for some extra money.

Alas, there was one big dreamer who was operating a forklift carrying excess product. He was a large but capable creature, And he always dreamed of achieving his biggest goal of becoming a superhero and fighting crime. His name was Richter Mason.

Richter, or Ricky for short, was a Hedgepossum, one of the many hybrids created by humans. Despite the name, these creatures looked more like a cross between a hedgehog and a prehensile tailed porcupine then an opossum. In general, these creatures were very good climbers, as they could use their prehensile tail as a third arm. Ricky was not so good at climbing.

Ricky was a devout follower of Sumotora, a way of life that involves building as much fat and muscle in your body to become as big, strong and heavy as possible. Monsters that followed this lifestyle were generally very tanky, able to take incredible cuts and blows to the body. These monsters were usually slower than other fighters, though could be surprisingly quick considering their size. Many monsters are driven away by the dedication and drawbacks of Sumotora, but finding this way of life has helped Ricky greatly.

Sadly, as much as he tried to get the attention of any hero groups in the area, he was turned down time and time again. All Ricky could do was imagine himself as a hero. Sometimes, when he is driving his forklift in work, he can't help but think deeply to himself what could be.
User avatar
BennyJackdaw
Red Slime
Posts: 55
Joined: Wed Sep 23, 2020 11:28 am

Post by BennyJackdaw »

Now I am really starting to not like the dream sequence, especially after I realize I misinterpreted something you said earlier. I thought you said it was a bad thing to reveal the main protagonist as this big, menacing threat only to reveal that he is not so, but from what I gather after reading it again, you said that was actually interesting. As a result of me misreading your post, I ended up ruining that scene by adding to the prologue. Also, I am still trying to figure out how to avoid on-the-nose dialogue. I worry that any sort of dialogue I write will be on the nose.

I'm also starting to get really confused with a lot of your advice. I'm getting the impression that I'm only supposed to have characters spout dialogue If It Moves the plot along, and not use dialogue to make them feel more natural. I have a character that really likes Sports. Is that important to the plot? No, but it makes the character feel more fleshed-out and add little details about the character that make them feel more like living creatures and give them a personality. I'm also not supposed to have any on the nose dialogue, but sometimes I feel like it's absolutely necessary to make things feel natural. Like, if I don't add stuff like "he decided to go talk to him," then when he does talk to him, it might feel like it comes out of nowhere.

Guess I will try and take that other advice you made recently about trying a different approach. I still want to mention Gilbert, Adrian and Klaus in the first chapter, but now I'm starting to reconsider the dream sequence.
Last edited by BennyJackdaw on Sun Nov 01, 2020 2:17 am, edited 2 times in total.
User avatar
BennyJackdaw
Red Slime
Posts: 55
Joined: Wed Sep 23, 2020 11:28 am

Post by BennyJackdaw »

I managed to get the second draft of the first chapter done. How does that compare to my first draft? For starters, I did get rid of the dream sequence and try to replace them with more important character is, while trying to give information about their designs when necessary.

https://www.furaffinity.net/view/39184258/
User avatar
Pepsi Ranger
Liquid Metal Slime
Posts: 1457
Joined: Thu Nov 22, 2007 6:25 am
Location: South Florida

Post by Pepsi Ranger »

Sorry for the late replies. I probably won't get to everything in this post, but I'll at least get it started.
Now I am really starting to not like the dream sequence, especially after I realize I misinterpreted something you said earlier. I thought you said it was a bad thing to reveal the main protagonist as this big, menacing threat only to reveal that he is not so, but from what I gather after reading it again, you said that was actually interesting. As a result of me misreading your post, I ended up ruining that scene by adding to the prologue. Also, I am still trying to figure out how to avoid on-the-nose dialogue. I worry that any sort of dialogue I write will be on the nose.
Yeah, I thought the only reason the dream sequence worked was because you introduced him as something he wasn't.

Your dialogue can be anything at first, as long as you give it an honest evaluation in the rewrite. I wouldn't worry about it while you're drafting. It also helps to remember that you can tell, not show, in your narrative outside of dialogue if you have to summarize any grand ideas or chunks of action for referencing. The idea is to give the reader whatever he needs to keep reading.
I'm also starting to get really confused with a lot of your advice. I'm getting the impression that I'm only supposed to have characters spout dialogue If It Moves the plot along, and not use dialogue to make them feel more natural.
Okay, so this is the part where I say "read more books." And not just fiction, but books on how to write good fiction. What you'll find is that good stories are balanced. They follow a structure, the same way a house follows a blueprint, the same way a house isn't a house unless it has a foundation, walls, and a roof. Functional houses have just these things. Good houses also have doors, windows, and plumbing. Great houses have all of these things plus furniture and decorations. Excellent houses have all of these things plus air-conditioning, security systems, and a great view. An excellent house does not have a train station dividing its living room. Nor does a great one. Nor does a good one. I'm not actually sure a functional one has a train station running through it, either.

If you want your characters to talk about sports, then that's fine. But don't spend pages on it. For the same reason you don't want to wax poetic about the color of your walls, you don't want to throw a bunch of crap at your reader that makes him wonder if this story is actually going anywhere. In the first draft, you can write a hundred pages worth of sports theory halfway through your superhero story if you really want to. But in the second draft, you'll probably need to cut out 99 and a half of those pages to save your pacing and keep your reader interested in the story. You'll notice that you get to keep about half a page. That's probably enough to establish your character's personality and interests. Anything more, and your reader will expect it to be part of the plot.

The point here is that, yes, everything should move the story forward, including your choice of time and location. But it's not so restrictive that you make it disjointed. On the contrary, if you make it disjointed, then you introduced or explained something at the wrong time, or in the wrong way. You're not required to shovel all of your establishing information at the beginning of the story. You can certainly layer it in as you need it.

That brings me to your sample:

I really like your new prologue and how it orients me into your world. It's fun and feels like a vacation place and that you're some kind of travel agent trying to convince me to visit this place. It works. I like it.

Until the space between the following two paragraphs.
Among these creatures, there are many different societies with their own cities, customs, religions and ways of life. In addition, there are hundreds of different countries, but they are scattered about only two continents: Mythos and Imajinak. This story starts in one particular location of Monstrum: a lakeside city named Taurn, situated in Northern Ohara, a continent in the middle of Imajinak.

Taurn was a bustling city residing cliffside in a series of caves. Some of the buildings that made up this city were built inside the largest caves. Some homes even were caves. The caves were all connected by wood and scaffolding. Decades of hard work resulted in a thriving community with wooden paths that could take you anywhere to the city and even beyond.
Once you mention the "continent in the middle of Imajinak," I feel like it's time to start the story. I'd move the next paragraph and everything after it into Chapter 1.

BUT, I would also reconsider how you introduce the protagonist. Although I think it's a smart decision to set up the world the way you did, everything after the snapshot of the city should be presented on an as-needed basis, meaning that you layer in the setting and exposition details as they become important, not before.

I haven't actually read Chapter 1 yet, so I'll do that next time. But don't get hamstrung by "the rules." You can and should make whatever decisions are best for the story. The key is in knowing what's best for the story, and that means knowing what stories need to work. It's not just words and nice sentences. It's also about conflicts, character arcs, changes, and so on.

I really think it helps to study the craft of fiction. I have a YouTube series I started in September that focuses on the books on writing that I recommend to anyone who wants to tell better stories. If you have time, you should check it out, and if you have a little extra cash or a library card, you should take a look at the books I reference. These are the books that have helped me improve my own understanding of story structure. They do eventually run into each other, but that's sort of the point. It's hard to master any craft after reading just one book about it. Each one sharpens your knowledge and understanding of how to tell a good story. So does practice and reading other people's stories.

Kind of like when you decide to build a mansion. If you're a good mansion architect, then chances are you'll have visited a few mansions in your career and researched how they were built before taking a stab at building your own. Otherwise, you know, over-budgeting, under-supplying, and ultimately a collapse are on the horizon.

P.S. One of the authors I cover found my channel and sent me his latest book as a thank-you for featuring his older books. I thought that was cool.

P.P.S. Why is no one talking about NaNoWriMo 2020? I'm just over 40,000 words in. James, you writing a sequel?
Last edited by Pepsi Ranger on Tue Nov 17, 2020 2:44 am, edited 1 time in total.
Place Obligatory Signature Here
User avatar
Bob the Hamster
Lord of the Slimes
Posts: 7658
Joined: Tue Oct 16, 2007 2:34 pm
Location: Hamster Republic (Ontario Enclave)
Contact:

Post by Bob the Hamster »

Pepsi Ranger wrote:P.P.S. Why is no one talking about NaNoWriMo 2020? I'm just over 40,000 words in. James, you writing a sequel?
I'm at 29,902 words as of last night, but I didn't start a new manuscript in November, this is just the same thing I have been working on since February.

Technically a prequel because it has Catt in it and happens many years before "Thief, Acolyte, Consort" but the story is fully standalone, so it doesn't feel like a prequel to me.
User avatar
Pepsi Ranger
Liquid Metal Slime
Posts: 1457
Joined: Thu Nov 22, 2007 6:25 am
Location: South Florida

Post by Pepsi Ranger »

Sounds good. Prequels also help with mailing list incentives, so I hear.

I've started writing a novel I wanted to write since 2007, with the intention of having it done by 2010. Didn't hit that goal, but with everything going on in the world these days, I thought its prescient and outrageous idea is on the verge of degrading into novelty, and I really needed to stop delaying it before it's no longer dystopian but just the normal life we're all used to.

Fortunately, we're not there yet, but we're close. When I had the idea, it was ridiculous and farfetched.

If things keep going in the current direction...

Sigh.

I'm almost halfway through it.
Place Obligatory Signature Here
User avatar
Bob the Hamster
Lord of the Slimes
Posts: 7658
Joined: Tue Oct 16, 2007 2:34 pm
Location: Hamster Republic (Ontario Enclave)
Contact:

Post by Bob the Hamster »

Whatever it is, it sounds mysteriously entertaining! :D
User avatar
BennyJackdaw
Red Slime
Posts: 55
Joined: Wed Sep 23, 2020 11:28 am

Post by BennyJackdaw »

I may have to give some of those videos a look. I am still kind of having a hard time figurine out what you are trying to say overall, but I think I am getting a few things. Like, in the first chapter, Buzz is talking to Casey about a news broadcast he saw on television, and Casey mentioned that he was watching sports at the time. I think that is what you were talking about when it comes to giving information like that. Casey's paragraph mentions that he is into a baseball, but only briefly brings it up before getting back to plot related speech.

Are there any videos about writing thought? I am taking a completely different approach with my current draft of the second chapter (as opposed to the first draft of chapter 2) and right now I am writing a scenario that might benefit Ricky projecting his thoughts onto the reader to get a good understanding of the situation.
User avatar
Pepsi Ranger
Liquid Metal Slime
Posts: 1457
Joined: Thu Nov 22, 2007 6:25 am
Location: South Florida

Post by Pepsi Ranger »

I may have to give some of those videos a look. I am still kind of having a hard time figurine out what you are trying to say overall, but I think I am getting a few things. Like, in the first chapter, Buzz is talking to Casey about a news broadcast he saw on television, and Casey mentioned that he was watching sports at the time. I think that is what you were talking about when it comes to giving information like that. Casey's paragraph mentions that he is into a baseball, but only briefly brings it up before getting back to plot related speech.
Maybe the best thing for you right now is to find a few people you'd consider your target readers and see what they think of your scenes, and ask them specific questions after they read it. The problem with getting too in the weeds with advice is that not all advice works for every story.

Your story, for example, may need the sports interjections. I can't say for sure if I'm not the target reader. But in theory you'd want to pick and choose which details you share, with an emphasis on the elements that propel the story. That's why they say talking about a character's clothing isn't that important unless it's in contrast to the norm.
Are there any videos about writing thought? I am taking a completely different approach with my current draft of the second chapter (as opposed to the first draft of chapter 2) and right now I am writing a scenario that might benefit Ricky projecting his thoughts onto the reader to get a good understanding of the situation.
Do you mean internal exposition? If so, then you could just write a normal paragraph in Ricky's voice. If you mean his exact internal words, then you'd italicize what he says. If not that, then I don't know.

When I write, I almost always keep the viewpoint character's thoughts embedded in the description.

Here, maybe this will help (and spoil a bit of what I'm doing for NaNoWriMo this year). Here's an unedited sequence from my current WIP's first chapter. You can see internal thoughts in action:
Nice and Legal, Chapter 1 wrote:Halfway up the neighborhood sidewalk, the front wheel of a bike tire emerged from behind a bush and crept along until the handlebars followed suit and a set of spindly fingers appeared with it. Howie didn’t give it much thought at first, but as the rest of that old BMX rolled into view, he stopped at the edge of a crack mid-step. It was that kid again, and his narrow eyes were looking his way.

Unlike their near-grisly encounter yesterday, Howie “The Doc� Mikkelsen was ready for him this time. That thirteen-year-old with the puffy body and matted hair would test his nerves, but he would not win their game of chicken. Not today.

Howie nodded at him. The kid said nothing. He simply pushed down on his pedal and turned the corner. It took him no time at all to get the momentum going. His elbows swayed as his cheeks puffed in and out. The grinding of the tires against the concrete sounded like a whip helicoptering out of control. Drop a ramp in front of him, and the kid might even take flight.

But the kid would not win this battle of wits. Howie bent his right knee forward and locked his left foot behind him. Almost like a football player, he lowered his right shoulder and hooked his arm across his stomach. If that kid didn’t veer this time, he would learn what it’s like to joust.

The bicycle grew in size, as did the hefty kid at the handlebars. Side-to-side, racing closer, whoosh, whoosh. The kid’s hair was now dancing in the wind under his cap. Closer. Howie nodded at him. Time to swerve, kid. But the kid held his ground. They were about to collide.

Howie shook his head. Not today.

He stepped aside just as the kid raced past him, but not before reaching out and swiping the kid’s baseball cap off his head and tossing it to the grass.

The bike tires squealed. The kid and his bike skidded into a drift and stopped several body lengths away. He caught the sidewalk with his right foot before the bike tipped all the way over. Howie and the kid made eye contact.

“I thought I had you this time,� the kid said.

Howie shrugged, then pointed at the hat on the ground.

“Then why is your hat on the ground?�

The kid, named Bobby, climbed off the bike and let it hit the sidewalk. He moseyed up to the hat, snatched it off the grass, and put it on his head.

“Still not fast enough I guess,� he said.

Howie stole the kid’s cap and rubbed his hand through his hair, messing it up even further. “Come on, Bobby. How many times I gotta tell you to duck?�

“It’s hard when I’m on a bike.� He grabbed his hat back from Howie and put it back on.

“Well, next time the bullies come after you, you might not have a bike. Learn to duck, dodge, or ram into your opponent.� Howie thought about what he’d just said. “Well, don’t ram me. Melanie and I are still talking about having kids.�

Bobby laughed at that. So immature.

“Okay, I’ll keep practicing.�

Bobby went back to his bike and hopped on. “See you tomorrow, Mr. Mikkelsen.�

“Better hope I don’t see you first. That’s part of the strategy.�

The kid rode off. Howie shook his head and smiled. Once upon a time, his life was that simple, too.

#

As he rounded the corner onto his local shopping district and headed for his favorite shop, Howie stepped over a few overflowing trash bags, careful not to touch down on rat carcasses. When he didn’t have stuffed plastic to worry about, he dodged the usual hypodermic syringes. And when those were behind him, he veered wide around the expected human land mines, at times walking off the curb to ensure his safety. Then the cycle repeated, sometimes mixing it up. He walked this beat daily. He could probably even walk it with his eyes closed if he wanted, but that wasn’t a chance he was willing to take.

Along the few stretches of safe walking available, Howie would peek into each shop to see if any were busy. Most weren’t. Some weren’t even open. A few of them had been closed for months with no sign of ever coming back. Those were the shops that he’d look into simply to check his reflection, making sure he still looked presentable. Fortunately, the wind was light today. His hair remained where he’d left it.

Kory’s Sports Depot was a mom and pop down at the end of the street, nestled between a convenience store and a law firm. None of the businesses on the block really made sense as neighbors, but that was part of the charm. It was one of the reasons Howie liked coming to this neighborhood. Even though it was nothing like its glory days before the opioid crisis, the block still had the ghost of relevance lingering in its soul. Kory’s was one of remaining specialty stores in this part of town that just fit in. Its blinking neon open sign hanging from its shop window was the welcoming beacon that never quit.

Howie opened the glass door into the narrow shop and immediately froze. His smile faded in a snap. Something was wrong.

He stepped inside and let the door close behind him. Silence. He looked behind him. The door frame was bare.

“Where’s your bell?� he called out into the shop’s depths.

The shop’s old proprietor, Mr. Gary Garrity, hobbled out from around a rack of golf clubs and glanced at the door.

“Sold it,� he said.

“Why?�

“Why do you think?� Mr. Garrity used nearby furniture to guide him back to the shop counter. Fortunately, the shop was compact, so he didn’t have far to walk. “You come begging for a job again?�

Howie approached the counter and leaned into it, flashing his best smile.

“I can work day and night,� he said. “Seven days a week if needed.�

Mr. Garrity raised one eyebrow at him.

“How old are you?�

“Thirty-two.�

“Why don’t you have a real job?�

Howie gave Mr. Garrity one of his adopted chin tilts and eye whirls that charmed most people, the kind of move he first saw male models perform in a documentary years ago. In the documentary, before the gas station incident that ended in tragedy, the face move had served the male models well, unlocking doors that others couldn’t even touch. Because he wasn’t hideous to look at, Howie assumed it could help him, too, even on this old man.

“I mean, sports is my life. This is a real job. This is the real job that I want. So bad.� He tapped his fingers on the counter. “It’s not about slaving behind a desk for some law firm.� He nodded at the wall past Mr. Garrity’s shoulder, indicating the law firm next door—who had rejected his job request last week. “It’s about following your heart. Your passion. And my passion is golf. And tennis. And baseball. And sometimes bowling.�

The old man smirked. Then he gestured at the merchandise and the store’s guts.

“How many customers you see in here, assuming you’re not one yourself?�

Howie already knew the answer the old man was looking for, and the indication of what that meant. But he was getting desperate now. He needed this job. He needed any job.

“In my mind’s eye?�

“In reality.�

Howie rolled his eyes again, but not in a male model kind of way. More like in a female model kind of way.

“Come on, Mr. Garrity. You hire me, and I’ll get the people to come in.�

Mr. Garrity shook his head. “No you won’t. Even I don’t want to come here and I’m the one paying its bills. Its gigantic, more than the location’s even worth bills. What makes you think I can even afford you? Remember Danny? He was great at this job, and I had to fire him to save the shop.�

“He was great at sales, not at marketing. I’m great at both. Could we have a trial period? Maybe a week to see if we can turn this shop around?�

“Howie, I come here for the regulars, but they’re not showing up like they used to. No one is. Everyone’s leaving town. Frankly, I’m tempted to do the same. I’m surprised you aren’t, too.�

He was though. More than he was willing to admit. But he didn’t know how his life could be better elsewhere. When he’d enrolled in college, no one had told him his degree would be worthless and that his job skills were worth even less. The academic advisers were forever booked and never-to-be-seen, and he couldn’t get an appointment. His instructors would never answer his tough questions, like, “How will this help me get a job?� They’d berate him for his audacity to ask such offensive questions.

If he’d left town, he’d likely end up doing what he was already doing, and what he was already doing was something no one should have to do for a living. But he couldn’t tell Mr. Garrity that. There was a reason Howie didn’t bring a resume to his job search sites.

“Well, things are tough, sure,� Howie said. “But we can bounce back. Just need to get some positive thinkers in this place. Like me.�

“Or better leadership, but that ship sailed long ago.�

Howie touched the counter and nodded. He wasn’t going to win this fight. Kory’s was a special place, full of sports gear and shoe smells. It reminded him of high school and his days as a baseball player. But that ship had also sailed. Working at Kory’s would be like his alma mater winning the championship. Never gonna happen.

“You clearly don’t think much of our leaders,� Howie said, making conversation now that the “interview� was over.

“Not much to think about. They stole our votes, wasted our money, and gave us in return a bunch of crap.� He pointed at the shop window. “Right on my sidewalk out there.�

Howie couldn’t argue with that. He wasn’t the cynic that Mr. Garrity was, but he wasn’t blind, either.

“I still think they have a chance to do we the people right.�

Mr. Garrity guffawed. “Wouldn’t count on that, kid. Not now, and definitely no time soon. You hear about this new bill they want to pass in Congress? Ridiculous. They don’t care about anybody.�

Howie wasn’t up to speed on politics. “What bill?�

Mr. Garrity waved him off. “Eh, you’ll see it when it blows up in your face.�

#

After he’d thanked Mr. Garrity for his time, and for the sandwich he’d made him (because what else was he going to do, sell him a golf club?), Howie stepped back onto the sidewalk and took in a faceful of sunshine. Despite his best efforts to change his trajectory, he didn’t have the option to “call out� of his other job today. He’d have to show up, and he’d have to make some money if he wanted to pay his sky high rent this week.

He rounded the corner to the nearest back alley and took a breath. Once he stepped into the cover of shadow and leaned his back against the wall, closing his eyes and wishing this day could just end, he reached into his pocket and checked his supply. The plastic snack bag was still sealed with medical tape. The six cyan pills were exactly as he’d left them: inside.

Howie stuffed the pills back in his pocket and took another breath. With no other choice, it was time for “The Doc� to go back to work.
Hope that gives you a picture. Remember, this is unedited, so it could still be better.
Place Obligatory Signature Here
User avatar
Bob the Hamster
Lord of the Slimes
Posts: 7658
Joined: Tue Oct 16, 2007 2:34 pm
Location: Hamster Republic (Ontario Enclave)
Contact:

Post by Bob the Hamster »

I enjoyed that very much! I am looking forward to more. It paints a vivid picture of both the setting and of Howie's mental state.

I also like the bike kid. He's weird.
Post Reply