work exchange: RPG book reading

Talk about things that are not making games here. But you should also make games!

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Willy Elektrix
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work exchange: RPG book reading

Post by Willy Elektrix »

Hello! I've been writing an RPG for about a year now, which is why I haven't been around here. I'm nearing completion on a first draft and I wanted to get some more opinions. I've been working pretty much in isolation.

Below is a link to a PDF of my manuscript. This is not the complete manuscript. It is a document about the game's story and setting. It does not contain any rules. I'm looking for feedback on whether the setting as describes makes sense. I also want to know what other information a player or gamemaster would need to know. I've outlined a few more of my questions and concerns in the document's introduction.

The game is called Dome Raid. It's set in a post-human sci-fi world. Long after all the humans died, alien explorers find Earth and are fascinated with the ruins of human civilization. They terraform the planet and transform it into a living museum and theme park. They build domes themed after various regions and periods in Earth's mystery. Kingdome is based on medieval England. Dinodome is based on prehistoric Africa. Discodome is based on 1970s America. The aliens populate these domes with android reenactors and genetically modified plants and animals.

Everything is going great until a comet comes and wreaks havoc on Earth. Many of the domes are destroyed. The androids go insane. The plants and animals mutate. The PCs in Dome Raid are "dome raiders" enlisted by the megacorporation that controls Earth. They enter the domes to retrieve valuable artifacts, rescue hostages, and wage war against the hostile androids.

This document is 30,000 words long. I'm willing to offer some work in exchange. If you want my help to bug test a game, or read something you wrote, I'd be happy to trade. If you don't have 3 or so hours to read the whole document, if you could just read the Introduction and the Story section, that would be helpful too.

I'm really hoping to get a reader that is a regular roleplayer and has read at least one RPG book before.

Here is a link to my PDF manuscript. Let me know if you feel like helping out.
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Post by Pepsi Ranger »

I don't do pen and paper RPGs, but I do read, and I do like interesting stories, so I downloaded your PDF, and I hope to make some time this weekend to look through it. I'll be looking at it from the perspective of an outsider who might be interested in trying something new and seeing if pen and paper RPGs could be my thing, and if this pen and paper RPG would be the thing to get me interested in the genre. I'll also look at it from the perspective of a beginner (if I were to play it, for example) who doesn't know the first thing about how to play these things. But mostly I'll be looking at it from the perspective of an adventurer who wants to discover a unique place, to decide whether I'd enjoy exploring this sci-fi dome-inspired world, and to provide feedback on whether I'd want to keep exploring it.

Hopefully that'll be helpful in its own right.
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Post by SwordPlay »

I love it, you're a genius. I'd love to play a game of this.
NB: I didn't read it all properly, mainly the intro, skimmed the rest of it once or twice.

Oh, and the artwork is REALLY selling it. Seriously :P

Does this text provide a coherent picture of the setting?
Yep. It rules~!

Do you feel ready to make a character in this setting? If so, who would that character be?

I reckon a Trononoid Rogue. But I haven't seen all player-side stuff.

Would you feel ready to gamemaster in this setting? If so, what kind of adventure would run?
Sure. It would be a lite sci-fi spoof styled as an action-comedy.
Players would acquaint themselves with various factions, rivals and enemies in short trips across the domes before letting them decide their own missions.

What additional information should this manuscript include to improve the setting or its presentation?

A simple table with headings like:

(DOME/PLACE). (FACTIONS). (TREASURE). (THREATS).
might help GM/players pick out a domes features quickly.

For player-side stuff, maybe things like
(RACE).(STATS).(TRAITS).(SKILLS).(EQUIPMENT).
maybe some other stuff.

Which of the three domes do you like best? Which do you like least? Why?

I quite like all of them for different reasons. Nice variety.

What what character, setting, or event would you like to see illustrated in the completed book?
Towns, dwellings, and things like that. What do the residents of domes get up to? How do they live/survive? What's everyday life like there? How is it different from normal life? The contrast/comparisons?

What's up with comet Ijon? It disappeared? Maybe it would be cool if turned into a malevolent orbiting body, with cyclical effects on the dome depending on its phase, and maybe as a location for missions. Maybe it rains down radioactivity and meteor ejecta sporadically. Rocks fall, everyone dies :p I guess it might collide with the moon. Or maybe it orbits from afar. Or maybe it's in a bar getting drunk.
Last edited by SwordPlay on Wed Sep 12, 2018 8:01 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Post by Mogri »

I haven't given it a thorough look, and since I'm not sure I'll have time, here are some initial thoughts.
  • It's misspelled as "Histionix" twice in the document.
  • Nazidome might not be the best choice. The historical significance is undeniable, but it's not a good fit for a political climate that contains actual Nazi revivalists.
  • The setting is extremely well-realized. It would be nice to see more characters in the setting. Perhaps in the races section, you could mention notable figures from each race.
  • It's almost a shame that the domes are all so self-contained. It'd be nice to have the potential for dinosaurs to run amok in feudal Japan.
  • It's not clear how the trononoid species survives if it's common for them to die in childbirth. Seems if you bear a single offspring per pregnancy, you're not going to maintain your population that way. It's also unclear what happens to a pregnant female who can't find a zemale host.
  • Perhaps it's because I'm accustomed to more structured RPGs, but I'm not really getting the gameplay significance of character race. Certainly, it informs your character's personality to the extent outlined in the manual, but surely even then it's possible to play as an exceptional member of that race who defies those stereotypes.
  • I would love to see a Noirdome. True, the aliens are probably not as interested in the setting, but it's a great excuse for some pulp detective adventures.
  • All of the above is overly critical to the document because you're looking for improvement and not effusive praise, so let me offer some effusive praise: the setting is great. You've got an excellent setup for a wide variety of adventures. The illustrations are fantastic (but could stand to be interspersed with the text).
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Post by Bob the Hamster »

I only skimmed the text, I just wanted to add my voice to the chorus saying those illustrations are amazing and I love them
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Post by SwordPlay »

Mogri wrote:
  • The setting is extremely well-realized. It would be nice to see more characters in the setting. Perhaps in the races section, you could mention notable figures from each race.
  • It's almost a shame that the domes are all so self-contained. It'd be nice to have the potential for dinosaurs to run amok in feudal Japan.
  • I would love to see a Noirdome. True, the aliens are probably not as interested in the setting, but it's a great excuse for some pulp detective adventures.
I would love to see a Noirdome.

About the races, and notable figures of each race.
That would be really cool!
And a handy way of showing what is expected of a player character regarding character creation.
Maybe you could include past exploits and how they used their equipment/skills/attributes.

About dinos running amok. That might make a great plotline, where there are some kind of underground tunnels, or smuggling operations that cause some domes to mix. Maybe there could be a breach between domes, and a makeshift repair operation. Maybe there could be some kind of mechanical/administrative error that causes it to happen.
Its a pretty lawless and chaotic place after all, so I can totally seeing it happen, somehow. Dunno if it will work though :P

P.S. If anyone wants to play a game of this, I would be interested.
Last edited by SwordPlay on Thu Sep 13, 2018 11:51 pm, edited 3 times in total.
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Post by Willy Elektrix »

Thanks for commenting so enthusiastically!

One thing to note: Players will actually be able to create their own races by choosing "feats" from a group of 70 or so feats. These are things like flight, x-ray vision, pheromone secretion, gaseous form, etc. The races I provided in the book are examples so that players can give their races a little more context. Ultimately, the 8 pre-defined races are only somewhat important to the setting.

Another thing to note: The text in this book is REALLY rough. I still need to do lots of editing. I intend to do a semi-professional layout as well. More pictures are definitely in order.
SwordPlay wrote:Would you feel ready to gamemaster in this setting? If so, what kind of adventure would run?
Sure. It would be a lite sci-fi spoof styled as an action-comedy.
Players would acquaint themselves with various factions, rivals and enemies in short trips across the domes before letting them decide their own missions.
Cool! The style you describe is more or less the assumed mode of play. I'm glad that is communicated clearly in the text I wrote. When I've played with test audiences, I often make the game a little more serious and include a few more serious themes (like war and espionage), but action, comedy, and parody are a big part of the setting.
SwordPlay wrote:What additional information should this manuscript include to improve the setting or its presentation?

A simple table with headings like:

(DOME/PLACE). (FACTIONS). (TREASURE). (THREATS).
might help GM/players pick out a domes features quickly.

For player-side stuff, maybe things like
(RACE).(STATS).(TRAITS).(SKILLS).(EQUIPMENT).
maybe some other stuff.
The first table makes sense. Essentially, it would be a table for the GM to randomly generate the outline of an adventure.

I'm not sure I understand the context of the player table. Please explain!
SwordPlay wrote:What what character, setting, or event would you like to see illustrated in the completed book?
Towns, dwellings, and things like that. What do the residents of domes get up to? How do they live/survive? What's everyday life like there? How is it different from normal life? The contrast/comparisons?

What's up with comet Ijon? It disappeared? Maybe it would be cool if turned into a malevolent orbiting body, with cyclical effects on the dome depending on its phase, and maybe as a location for missions. Maybe it rains down radioactivity and meteor ejecta sporadically. Rocks fall, everyone dies :p I guess it might collide with the moon. Or maybe it orbits from afar. Or maybe it's in a bar getting drunk.
Good point. It might be nice to give a more "slice of life" picture of the inside of the domes. Some text and illustrations could help here.

I should probably do some more large scale illustrations that show how the cities look and how people live. I've really been focused on drawing characters, but it might be good to illustrate the setting more.

What is up with Ijon? I hadn't really thought about it! Maybe it could still be having around and causing havoc. Hm.
Mogri wrote:I haven't given it a thorough look, and since I'm not sure I'll have time, here are some initial thoughts.
  • It's misspelled as "Histionix" twice in the document.
  • Nazidome might not be the best choice. The historical significance is undeniable, but it's not a good fit for a political climate that contains actual Nazi revivalists.
  • The setting is extremely well-realized. It would be nice to see more characters in the setting. Perhaps in the races section, you could mention notable figures from each race.
  • It's almost a shame that the domes are all so self-contained. It'd be nice to have the potential for dinosaurs to run amok in feudal Japan.
  • It's not clear how the trononoid species survives if it's common for them to die in childbirth. Seems if you bear a single offspring per pregnancy, you're not going to maintain your population that way. It's also unclear what happens to a pregnant female who can't find a zemale host.
  • Perhaps it's because I'm accustomed to more structured RPGs, but I'm not really getting the gameplay significance of character race. Certainly, it informs your character's personality to the extent outlined in the manual, but surely even then it's possible to play as an exceptional member of that race who defies those stereotypes.
  • I would love to see a Noirdome. True, the aliens are probably not as interested in the setting, but it's a great excuse for some pulp detective adventures.
  • All of the above is overly critical to the document because you're looking for improvement and not effusive praise, so let me offer some effusive praise: the setting is great. You've got an excellent setup for a wide variety of adventures. The illustrations are fantastic (but could stand to be interspersed with the text).
Reichdome: Yeah. You might be right. If I never mentioned that there is a World War 2 themed dome, most players would come up with it on their own anyway.

Notable Figures: Agreed. I have been thinking about creating a section with some notable NPCs. It might help integrate the races into the world a little more.

Self-Contained: The domes aren't perfectly contained. Some of the adventure hooks involve people and creatures escaping their domes and entering others. However, I think the domes have to be somewhat self-contained to make the setting more coherent.

I have been thinking about writing a section about the wild areas between the domes. This would be a wilderness landscape populated by creatures and people who have escapes various domes.

Trononoid: Yeah. This should probably be rewritten. Sometimes I work so hard to make something weird that it doesn't end up making sense.

Noirdome: I thought about a roaring 20s gangster dome set in Chicago. This isn't the same thing as a Noirdome, but it touches on some of the same themes. I ultimately decided on Discodome for the core rules since Dinodome and Kingdome were so generic, I wanted to do something a little more unexpected for the third dome.

For the sake of my sanity, the core rule book will only contain 3 domes. Although if the game is popular, I'll add more in supplements.
Bob the Hamster wrote:I only skimmed the text, I just wanted to add my voice to the chorus saying those illustrations are amazing and I love them
Thanks! I have a degree in fine arts, but making this game has thought everything I know about drawing. The drawings in the document are all interior illustrations. I really want to get a better artist to do the book's cover though. I'm on the hunt for one.
SwordPlay wrote:P.S. If anyone wants to play a game of this, I would be interested.
If some of you wanted to play, I would run a game on Roll20 or Discord. If you wanted to make your own characters, I could give the rules section of the game in advance.
Last edited by Willy Elektrix on Fri Sep 14, 2018 11:48 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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Post by SwordPlay »

(RACE).(STATS).(TRAITS).(SKILLS).(EQUIPMENT).
An explanation of races in gameplay terms (player-side info)

Race: Which race is being explained

Stats: How races compare, fare, or measure up to each other in strength, speed, intelligence, or whatever

Traits: Traits (perhaps optional depending on morphology) unique to race, like sensory abilities, as well as penalties/bonuses/peculiarities for e.g., wielding, movement etc., terrain or environment adaptations (like pressure, heat, light etc.,)

Skills: Player options not necessarily tied to race, but perhaps some races are restricted or have expanded choices. Might be things like (shooting. lockpick. sneak) or whatever. Maybe Trononoids have special sensory skills, or Bixake can wield multiple objects somehow, depending on practice, training, usage, morphology/race etc.,
I think the difference between traits and skills are that traits are inherent, or acquired out of the scope of player influence, whilst skills are learned abilities that players can choose or develop as they play. Maybe there's not that much difference.

Equipment: Do certain races have requirements or aptitude for donning or wielding equipment? Do they start off with or have better access to certain kinds of equipment? Is there interference or synergy for using certain equipment? e.g., crystal folk and energy sources.

If you send me a copy of the rules for play, I would be down with that. If you are looking for collaborator or editor, I can try to assist you as much as possible.
Last edited by SwordPlay on Sat Sep 15, 2018 12:26 am, edited 4 times in total.
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Post by Willy Elektrix »

SwordPlay wrote:(RACE).(STATS).(TRAITS).(SKILLS).(EQUIPMENT).
An explanation of races in gameplay terms (player-side info)

Race: Which race is being explained

Stats: How races compare, fare, or measure up to each other in strength, speed, intelligence, or whatever

Traits: Traits (perhaps optional depending on morphology) unique to race, like sensory abilities, as well as penalties/bonuses/peculiarities for e.g., wielding, movement etc., terrain or environment adaptations (like pressure, heat, light etc.,)

Skills: Player options not necessarily tied to race, but perhaps some races are restricted or have expanded choices. Might be things like (shooting. lockpick. sneak) or whatever. Maybe Trononoids have special sensory skills, or Bixake can wield multiple objects somehow, depending on practice, training, usage, morphology/race etc.,
I think the difference between traits and skills are that traits are inherent, or acquired out of the scope of player influence, whilst skills are learned abilities that players can choose or develop as they play. Maybe there's not that much difference.

Equipment: Do certain races have requirements or aptitude for donning or wielding equipment? Do they start off with or have better access to certain kinds of equipment? Is there interference or synergy for using certain equipment? e.g., crystal folk and energy sources.
Oh yeah! I totally have stuff like that already written, but I deleted it from the file I shared since it contains a bunch of rules.

An important thing to remember about the sample races, is that most players won't use them. The rules really encourage players to make their own races.
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