The Surlaw Reviews - 1/2/23 - 2022 Year in Review

Talk about things that are not making games here. But you should also make games!

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The Wobbler
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Post by The Wobbler »

Double Dragon The Game With Abobo in It

Double Dragon II: The Revenge Abobo's New Hairdo

Plump Pop Inflated expectations
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Post by Matokage »

The Wobbler wrote:Every scene with this guy in it is solid
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Post by msw188 »

Hahaha that Plump Pop game looks amazing. I mean, the final line seems practically worth the price of admission already.
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Post by Stewitus P. »

I was going to make a counterpoint to your FFXIII review, Mr. Surlaw, about how the characters were all terrible and unlikable, the gameplay painfully slow and dull, and the plot both lacking in aim and point, but I figured I could sum up our differences like this:

In the thirteen hours I played it (inappropriately enough,) Snow was not only the only character I even remotely liked, he was also the only one whose name I bothered to learn.

For those wondering, the other characters were called "Bitch" "Bitch Boy" "Token Black Guy" "Hippie" and "Tig Bitties"
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It's not hard to remember six names that are being constantly said and are on your screen all the time whether you like them or not but ok. You can think characters are dumb and bad without being 13.

Edit: Volfied
Last edited by The Wobbler on Wed Nov 07, 2012 11:09 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Stewitus P.
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Post by Stewitus P. »

And you would be amazed how easy it is to forget six names that are being constantly said and are on your screen all the time when you stopped caring about them hours ago :v:
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Post by The Wobbler »

Stewitus P. wrote:And you would be amazed how easy it is to forget six names that are being constantly said and are on your screen all the time when you stopped caring about them hours ago :v:
I've played games and read books and seen movies I've hated and I can still name their characters so yeah I would be amazed. I hated 13-2 more than just about any RPG ever and I can name its cast. I also don't see female characters and name them "bitch" and "tits" though but go nuts.
Last edited by The Wobbler on Thu Nov 08, 2012 8:24 pm, edited 1 time in total.
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Post by Stewitus P. »

The Wobbler wrote: I also don't see female characters and name them "bitch" and "tits" though but go nuts.
Normally I don't either, but it seemed appropriate for these two. Perhaps I should explain, but bare with me, I'm going off a three or four year old memory here.

First of all, I am terrible with names, always have been. There are people I've worked with for months whose names I don't know. These are people I joke with and rely on, but still I can repeat their names to myself a dozen times, turn around, and not know it. Six masses of pixels that do nothing but annoy me do not have a chance.

Second, I named Lightning (fine, we'll use the real names...) "Bitch" is because she is just completely, utterly, and wholly dedicated to being one. She is a cold, hateful ice queen who spits nothing but angry words at the people around her. She hates Snow for... what, wanting to marry her sister? Seriously, she flies into a rage upon hearing what is supposed to be the happiest news her sister would tell her to date, and....why? WHY does she hate someone so completely? If it says anywhere, it was long after I gave up.

And it doesn't help her case that she turns on Snow and labels him- the love of her sister's life remember- an enemy. Why? Seriously, why? The only in-game, non-flashback dispute they had had was when he tried breaking her sister out of the crystals or ice or whatever she was trapped in. Yes Lightning, he's obviously your worst enemy because he won't stop trying to save your sister, his fiance's life.

It even extends to her mentorship of Hope. I hated Hope more than any other character, since all he did was whine about revenge. Now I can sympathize with the character to the point. I mean, he watched his mother die, after all. I'm not a slimehole. But when all he thinks about is killing the man who was trying to save her life because he "killed her?" That is just ham fisted, hack writing. And then Lightning goes and starts feeding his misplaced aggression to serve her own irrational personal vendetta. Up until I read your review, I was kinda hoping that Lightning would turn out to be the main bad guy in all this. At least her aggression would make sense then.

You may see me name the female lead "bitch" and think it's some juvenile misogyny, but rest assured, its because she's a bitch. Square Enix set out to make a strong female lead, and gave us the Bitchiest Bitch who ever Bitched.

Tig Bitties I don't have an excuse for. At this point I had just watched two ice goddesses arrive, nearly make out with each other, and turn into a motorcycle. So I just assumed she was the obligatory "cleavage character" and dismissed her. I had kinda checked out.
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Post by The Wobbler »

See now those are better comments, that's more what I was hoping for. The bitch thing still doesn't sit well with me at all but your plot criticisms are totally valid and that's the kind of disagreement and discussion I welcome.
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A Really Bad Game Tokyo Jungle
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Post by Stewitus P. »

Controlling one of more than 50 animals, players survive by hunting prey if they're a carnivore, searching for plants if they're an herbivore, and fighting off rival animal gangs for territory. The objective is to eat, breed, and survive to live another day. It's an arcade style beat em up with an emphasis on getting high scores and has a bizarre sense of humor.
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Nothing about that game sounds like it should be an arcade style beat em up. In fact, the game sounds like an absolute schizophrenic mess.
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Post by The Wobbler »

That sums it up pretty well. It would have been better suited as an open world game with actual environments to explore. Making it a weird beat em up/roguelike/survival mashup really doesn't work.

The Redundant Game: Dead Rising 2: Off the Record
The Burping Game: Toejam & Earl
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Post by The Wobbler »

Macho Man Game Wizards & Warriors

I promise I'll review something better soon.
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Post by TMC »

Toejam & Earl! I admit that the levels are large and the walking speed is slow, but I still loved this game. I played it co-op with my sister, and it seems that you didn't, which is unfortunate because I think the co-op is actually the best part of this game. We had loads of fun, splitting up to explore separately, teaming up, and rescuing each other, to the point that the large, slow game actually seemed too short. The randomness and the little entertaining actions and animations kept things interesting (for exampe I think you could high-five each other?) I was disappointed that Toejam & Earl 2 is a completely different type of game, though maybe I should give it another chance.
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