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Metal Slime
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Review: Techno Ship Funkotron 
 PostThu Apr 30, 2009 6:09 pm
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The men. Muscled, fabulous men.
My score, recorded for posterity
This is a review of Techno Ship Funkotron.

I awoke late in the day with a moderate headache and a cold sweat, troubled by now diminishing visions of a nightmare the night before. I had dreams of space men, dancing in a carefully orchestrated rhythm to the beat of synthesized music. Men with mustaches, and garish, skin tight bodysuits stretched taught over their oiled muscles. It was a disturbing vision, but when I awoke and visited my computer, I had found that the nightmare was real - and the game file had remained. Half in fear, half out of curiosity, I loaded it up to see if my dreams had a basis in reality..

I was greeted by an animating title screen of the "techno ship funkatron", poorly drawn, but animated none the less. In the corner blared a high score, set by someone the night before. This game remembers your high score? Not even most SNES era video games do that! So I continued my adventure into the vast world of space, unsure of what to expect. Then, they came.

I found myself on a dance floor, possibly within the ship's cargo bay. Someone had left a boom box to the side, which begged the question of why astronauts would carry one on their ship, instead of using the internal speakers, or, heavens forbid - an iPod or even Bob the Hamster's iPellet. These questions would have to wait as three heavily muscled bald men marched single file out the door at the end of the room and assumed their places on the colorful floor. Thoughts of what force they used to keep my feet firmly planted on the mat below vanished when the three men winked at me, their shapely mustaches twitching from side to side. They asked me to help them "get home", though I did not quite understand how. I agreed, reluctantly, but sat myself behind a control panel to watch the three men.

The man on the right seemed covered in green paint, or perhaps latex. He operated the controls to the boom box, and then a vaguely catchy song began to permeate the air. Suddenly the men began to dance, working in tandem to a series of familiar glyphs that flashed above me on a large black panel along the ceiling. A keyboard in front of me seemed to possess the needed keys to activate these glyphs. I frantically began to press the keys as the glyphs slid between two glowing poles. With each correct press, the ship would go faster. I began to wonder what mad man would do this, instead of just having the vessel do so automatically. I am no rocket scientist.

Then the music changed, becoming crude. I found myself growing increasingly uncomfortable as the men started rubbing their greased bodies against each other. Until now, the glyphs had only displayed arrows, but suddenly a "G" appeared! I rubbed my eyes in disbelief, it had passed me by. I would remember it next time. I tried to avoid watching the dancing men, thinking this situation nothing less than awkward, as an "A" flew by on the monitor. Hoping against hope, I prayed the next letter would not come. Thankfully it did not, a left arrow flew by my screen, my fingers working to key it in.

The glyphs and letters flew frantically now, diverting my eyes just long enough to check on the men. I did not know which ones to watch, yet I could turn my eyes away from neither. Soon I felt the gentle tug of the Earth below my feet, and the voyage was over. The muscly men grinned at me - I was next.

I screamed in alarm and shut down the program, the game recording my score for all posterity. Now I understood the nature of last night's dreams. I vowed to get more sleep in future, and where possible avoid entering any Oyster Bars.
To friends long gone, and those I've yet to meet - thank you.
Slime Knight
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 PostSat May 02, 2009 3:51 am
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i got a perfect score at spoonweavers house...
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