OHR House K - Week Three

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Mazin
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Post by Mazin »

Oops! There's some association between the names Rebecca and Jessica in my brain and I don't know why. I don't think it has anything to do with the character being interesting or not.

And I realize there were multiple races in that scene and the same thing applies to all of them, I just didn't feel like listing them.
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Mogri
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Post by Mogri »

This thread has reminded me how much more fun it is to read the censored text, so I've added a few more keywords. Hope you slimes of color enjoy the additions.
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Mazin
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Post by Mazin »

I was surprised it wasn't already censored, but then, I suppose you probably weren't expecting to see that word a lot.

I suggest "red slime" instead of "slime of color." I know it's not the right color but I don't think there are black slimes.
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JSH357
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Post by JSH357 »

slime slime slime of color slime of south american descent sand slime of color slime of mediterranean descent slime that is often wrongly put on the "do not fly" list kosher slime herr slime
My website, the home of Motrya:
http://www.jshgaming.com
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Pepsi Ranger
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Post by Pepsi Ranger »

Oneinonlyall wrote:Ack. Will fix that for the Week Three release.

Also, I know Araik has a lot of derogatory lines (hence the warning before the download), but what do you mean by Daniel? Do you simply mean the scene where Araik and Daniel are talking, or is it Daniel's style of dialogue that bugs you?

Glad you liked the Week Two conflict though.
Sorry, I meant Javier. Daniel's the guy who talks like Housemaster, right? He's fine. Javier gets on my nerves, though. He kinda feels like the character that's secretly perverted just so the show can have a perverted character, and when you already have two over-the-top pervs like Araik and Sevan it just gets excessive.

It was the line about being sat on (Day 1) that brought me dangerously close to turning the game off (and not bothering with Week 3). The offensiveness of the line is pretty bad, but it's the fact that no one ever talks like that in real life (unless they're making a Judd Apatow movie, and even his movies fail to reach that extreme) that really unnerves me. Rather than crafting an Asian woman-obsessed guy, it seems you're going for shocks instead. You need a specific audience for that to work in your favor, and the OHR community is not that audience.
Mazin wrote:Brevity! Your dialogue is really wordy and could use some trimming.
I agree with what Iblis is saying here, though I'm standing in a different camp. I actually don't mind excessive dialogue (if it's used to good effect). I do, however, mind fake dialogue and that's essentially where I'm coming from with the former statement.
Mazin wrote:Like when Kiwi jumped into Rebecca's bed she said "Who're you? Another person of the night?" or some such thing.
Fair example. It's excessive, yes. Most people would leave out the second question in real life. I do think it works okay to express what's on Jessica's mind at the moment. But the culprit here isn't the line itself, but the fact that it wrecks the pace of the story and the mood of the characters (for anyone who has the time to spout out a second question in a situation like that probably isn't that scared to begin with). And since you've worked hard to express Jessica's fear, I think adding that second line shows just how fake the dialogue gets at times.

Which tells me you're planning too much and not letting the characters unfold organically.

Truthfully, I don't think you need lectures about dialogue. I think you're intelligent enough to know not only how dialogue works but also how to craft it naturally. The trick here then is to avoid letting the plot get in the way of your characters' responses and to avoid crafting characters based on what you think the plot needs. Right now everyone feels like a caricature of a bad cliche and it's probably why the game's popularity hasn't escalated yet.

If you were poking fun at something, then I think this would be a completely different discussion. I'm not under the impression that that's your goal, though.

I hope this helps.
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Mazin
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Post by Mazin »

That's basically what I meant, just explained a lot better. Verbose dialogue isn't a problem in and of itself, it's just that the characters here often sound fake because of being too wordy.
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Only One In All
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Post by Only One In All »

Sounds like I'm gonna need to make some dialogue revisions!

Javier is still perverted, though not to the same extent or way as Araik or Sevan. His is supposed to be interpreted more as sort of "innocent" or funny, as in his pervertedness is meant to be more joking than serious. Newbie Power interpreted Javier about the same way too, while another person did so the way I had hoped. If anyone knows how to make it so Javier's really offensive line can be made to be interpreted more as funny rather than over the top disgusting, it'd be great.

Perhaps it has to do with how Pepsi Ranger said there's a "lack of organicness" to some of the lines? I was not going for shock with Javier's line, but if that is how it is seen, I must be doing something wrong here.

I will make dialogue revisions, but hopefully Week Three can resolve a lot of these problems. Maybe some of the issues with the dialogue comes from all the dialogue I've written for Bloodlust. Because with that, a lot of what was written was the main character's thoughts, and I had gotten really used to writing in that way. I'll have to be more careful.
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Pepsi Ranger
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Post by Pepsi Ranger »

There's a book I want you to read before you start the next episode. It's geared toward writing novels, but the rules apply to all fiction writing. And it's amazing just how much light it sheds on bad writing.

It's called How Not to Write a Novel by Howard Mittelmark and Sandra Newman.

It outlines 200 mistakes that writers make with their stories, mistakes that most authors don't even know they're making.

Here's a sample mistake (one of my favorites, actually):
The Deafening Hug

________The unintended love interest.

Anna put her arms around her brother and held him close. He could smell her faint perfume, and the warmth of her body made all his troubles drain away. She had filled out since going away to college, and the gentle, persistent, pressure of her breasts was distinct through her thin T-shirt. He let her go at last and said, with a slight blush, "Why can't I talk to Amanda the way I talk to you?"

Anna laughed, but couldn't meet his eyes. "I don't know. Maybe 'cause she's beautiful?"

Hal choked on his response. To him, no one could ever be as beautiful as his little sister. If only she could see herself as others saw her! But he drove these ideas from his head. He had to concentrate on his troubles with Amanda, even if he was beginning to suspect he would have to look elsewhere for the real passion he was determined to find.


Sometimes the author is the last to know. It is all too easy to create a love interest where none is wanted. We call this the Deafening Hug for obvious reasons, and for reasons just as obvious, it should be avoided.
(end excerpt)

The book deals with all facets of story creation from narration to dialogue, and does so with some of the funniest examples I've ever seen in a reference book. It does get explicit at times (bad writing includes the hardcore stuff), but based on the dialogue you've already written, something tells me that won't bother you. It probably won't make you a better writer overnight, but it'll at least get you thinking about what you've written before you upload it to the community.

You can find the book at Barnes and Nobel in the Writing/Publishing section. It has a red spine and white jacket if that helps you find it faster. It's $15.95 in the States and $17.25 in Canada.

Seriously, this book will change the way you write. It's worth reading even if you don't plan to write a single lick of prose.

So, that's your assignment. Don't release Week 3 until you've read that book cover to cover.
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Only One In All
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Post by Only One In All »

OHR House Season Kitty - Week Two Results and Week Three is here!

The house finally gets together to solve the Jane problem! But will their plan to take care of her succeed, or will they fail miserably, and cost someone their life?!

The house also meets their final secret cast member, who comes out much more promising than the other two - but does this world class chef harbor a secret that could turn the house upside down?

Fighting, picture taking, a cooking competition and even a puzzle awaits in Week Three!

On top of that, there have been some major trimming of excessive dialogue in Week One and Week Two. I don't know how I thought it added to the show, but if you go through the first two weeks, the first week especially has lots of trimmed text, some from paragraphs to one sentence.

Also, Week One has gotten a revised intro and a few scenes replaced! Day Three and Day Five has new events replacing the ones with no redeeming value, and the week feels less like a bunch of disconnected events. I think it's worth checking it out. Just choose Week One and start at Day Three to see the new events.

Also, the Brightness feature has been revised, so holding down the H button will continue to brighten the screen, and N will return it to normal.

ImageImageImage
Last edited by Only One In All on Sun Sep 28, 2008 9:39 pm, edited 2 times in total.
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angelakuma34
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Post by angelakuma34 »

As a new Member and a Character in this Show (Daniel)

i would like to say even if this show does have messed up moments and unusual moments i am actually glad we have people watching ohr kitty^^


(and i would like to also answer questions on why Daniel has "Mis Spelled words")
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Post by angelakuma34 »

Only One In All wrote:Not exactly my favorite lines either. :(
I too agree ... :zombie:
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Mogri
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Post by Mogri »

angelakuma34 wrote:As a new Member
Welcome to Slime Salad :)
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angelakuma34
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Post by angelakuma34 »

Thank you

oh and any questions?
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Only One In All
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Post by Only One In All »

It looks like it's a slow period, so voting will last until this coming Sunday.
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