please proofread my text

Hello!

I'm looking for someone who speaks good english (or better than me at least) for proofreading some texts I wrote for making a short visual novel.
Maybe you could also advice me on better expressions, helping me to improve my english writing skill and make the whole thing sound better...

Thanks in advance!

Intro

The known continent is covered in the dark of a cold autumn night. The moon is shining down on the Science Village near the Barrier Mountains, on Pine Village those lanters light up the forests even in the darkest nights of winter. The moon is also shining down on Crafter’s Village near the River and on the little Mage Schools hidden well under the forest's old trees.
High above the pine trees and the leafy roof of the Southern Forest a lonely magpie is flying.
While all the world seems to be sleeping, the small bird is flying north, towards the ocean covered in the night's darkness.
Is it heading home or going on a journey?


Part A - 1
The magpie is now following the River's flow towards the sandy grounds of the desert. It is approaching the little village known as River's Watch, last outpost of the Southern Forest Country. The Moon's reflection is shivering on the water. But, then an other light source attracts the bird's attention. The animal flaps it's wing and changes course towards the orange spot flickering in the dark of the plains. Coming closer the spot grows larger, shadows can be seen near the dancing flames of a fire and distant voices can be heard. A few more moments and words in human language can be understood and the shadows turn into large rocks and persons sitting near a lit fireplace. The little magpie spreads it's wings and lands on one of the sharp stone formations in a save distance. The boy at the fire looks up to the bird with squinted eyes and the bird looks back, tilting it's black head. Then, knowing quiet well that it can not be seen in the dark, the magpie decides to ignore the humans and ties to find some bugs under the stones.

The three people at the fire seem to take no futher notice of the little creature. They all look tiered.
The woman in black clothes is leaning against a rock, maybe she's sleeping? Her eyes are covered by a blindfold so there's no way of telling.
The boy, a youth of 16 or 17 years who's wearing light clothes in earth tones, is holding his hand out towards the fire, watching the flames dancing with fascination.
The eldest of the trio is a man in his late 20's. His long hair is neatly braided, his robe seem to be somewhat expensive, but his tiered face and worn out clothes tell a story of a long and demanding journey.

Here's my edit of the first part:

The known continent is covered in the darkness of a cold autumn night. The moon is shining down on the Science Village near the Barrier Mountains; and on the Pine Village whose lanterns light up the forests, even in the darkest nights of winter. The moon shines down on Crafter’s Village near the river, and on the little Mage Schools; hidden well under the forest's old trees.
High above the pine trees and the leafy roof of the Southern Forest, a lone magpie is flying.
While all the world seems to be sleeping, the small bird is flying north, towards an ocean covered in the night's darkness.
Is it heading home, or going on a journey?

And here's the second part:

The magpie follows the River's flow, towards the sandy grounds of the desert. It is approaching the little village known as River's Watch, last outpost of the Southern Forest Country. The Moon's reflection is shivers on the water. Then another light source attracts the bird's attention. The animal flaps its wing and changes course, towards the orange spot flickering in the dark of the plains. Coming closer, the spot grows larger. Shadows can be seen near the dancing flames of a fire, and distant voices can be heard. A few more moments, and words in human language can be understood. The shadows turn into large rocks, and people sitting near a lit fireplace. The little magpie spreads its wings and lands on a sharp stone formation, a safe distance away from the gathering. A boy at the fire looks up to the bird with squinted eyes. The bird looks back, tilting its black head. Then, knowing quite well that it cannot be seen in the dark, the magpie decides to ignore the humans, and tries to find some bugs under the stones.

The three people at the fire seem to take no further notice of the little creature. They all look tired.
A woman in black clothes is leaning against a rock. She appears to be asleep, but as her eyes are covered by a blindfold, there's no way of telling.
The boy, a youth of 16 or 17 years, wearing light clothes in earth tones, is holding his hand out towards the fire, watching the flames dancing with fascination.
The eldest of the trio is a man in his late 20's. His long hair is neatly braided, his robe seems as if it was somewhat expensive, but it is worn; and his tired face tells a story of a long and demanding journey.

Edit: Made some edits. (As in two.)

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Sent from my iPhone

Hey Taco Bot,
thanks a lot for your help!
You're really fast!

I see that I made some mistakes and I'll try not to repeat them.

One thing I'm not sure about is when to use coma in English? Is there an easy rule to remember?

Pretty much any break in a sentence, like if you have to take a breath, for example. That's about as good as I can describe it.

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dOn'T MiNd mE! i'M jUsT CoNtAgIoUs!!!
Play Orbs CCG: http://orbsccg.com/r/4r6x

I'll do my best to explain.

You put commas between independent clauses.
"The bird landed on the stone, and began to peck at snails."
(You see? You can make "The bird landed on the stone" and "The bird began to peck at snails" two separate sentences, but if you connect them with a comma and a FANBOYS [for, and, nor, but, or, yet,so]).

You also use them to punctuate a series.
"Go to the store and buy a gallon of milk, a stick of butter, ten apples, and a bottle of mustard."
(If it's only two items, you can just put an and between them; though a comma sometimes adds dramatic effect).

You also ALSO use them for introductory phrases.
"Before jumping out of the helicopter, Joe made sure his parachute was functioning correctly."

And finally, you use them to add something in to your expression.
Original: "The bird began to glide over the water."
New: "The bird, with wings stretched wide, began to glide over the water."

There's a reason why English is the hardest language to learn!

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Sent from my iPhone

Thanks for the explaination.
That's really helpfull!

I guess we have similar rules there to place comma, but I don't know them in my own language either.
I'll try to double check on my newly written texts for comma mistakes, but it seems like there is really a lot to pay attention to regarding there to put a comma.

You're doing a fine job already!

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Sent from my iPhone

Well, I had a whole edit typed out, but it had an error and all deleted itself....

I put in a lot of writing tools in there to make it all flow better, but I can't remember all of them. Oh well, at least Taco Bot helped. Writing is one of the few things I can do confidently, being from a family of writers. I was excited to help out. May I ask what your language is, marionline?

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My pronouns are they/them
Ps. I love my wife

Oops! Sorry I stole your thunder, I would've loved to hear your version. (I'm not writer, as you can probably tell).

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Sent from my iPhone

@kylekrack:
Oh, I'm sorry to hear that the PC killed your work. I really hate it if that happens.
I'd have liked to see your version. If you have any suggestions on style improvements fee free to let me know.

My native language is german, but I've been practising a lot of english last year, so I felt confident enougth to try writing a story. (Besides it's easier to share something with lots of people, if it's in english...)
But as I plan to make this a short visual novel, it is important to write nicely to not "kick out" the reader of the story's flow. So I thought to ask for help.

Edit:
@Taco Bot:
Thanks for the second part! I like how some passages sound diffrent, but more like English now.
Also I' like the expression: cloths look worn

Ach, ich habe das gedenkt ;)

One thing I changed is every time you have a gerund form of the verb (it ends in -ing) like "the moon is shining" it sounds better as "the moon shines." It is often best to use this form, because it gives your writing a more active voice, meaning it's more powerful.

Also, in your first paragraph, two of your sentence begin with "the moon is shining" and "the moon is also shining." I would change the second sentence to something like "The moonlight blankets over Crafter's Village near the River." Also I don't know if you meant to capitalize River. If the river is named River, then yeah, you would capitalize it, but unlike in German, you don't capitalize all nouns.

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My pronouns are they/them
Ps. I love my wife

I really think you should give it a go, Kyle! You'd do a way better job than me.

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Sent from my iPhone

Hey, it's me again.
Thanks for your help!

kylekrack, are you learning german?
Denken is an irregular verb, it should be "gedacht" insted of "gedenkt." Don't ash me why, verbs for can be awful in german.


I took Taco Bot's version and tried to follow your advice, kylekrack, and reduced the gerund-from verbs. It sounds really better, I'd never expected that (untill I tried)!
In the last sentences two I can't find a good solution, thoug.
And also I wonder if the question should be without "-ing" from verbs as well?


Intro:

The known continent is covered in the dark of a cold autumn night.
The moon shines down on the Science Village near the Barrier Mountains; on Pine Village whose lanters light up the forests even in the darkest nights of winter.
The moonlight blankets over Crafter's Village near the river and aswell over the little Mage School, hidden well under the forest's old trees.
High above the pine trees and the leafy roof of the Southern Forest a lone magpie is flying.
While all the world seems to be asleep, the small bird flys north, towards the ocean covered in the night's darkness.

Is it heading home or going on a journey?

Part A
The magpie follows the River's flow, towards the sandy grounds of the desert.
It approaches the little village known as River's Watch, last outpost of the Southern Forest Country. The Moon's reflection shivers on the water.
Then another light source attracts the bird's attention. The animal flaps its wing and changes course, towards the orange spot flickering in the dark of the plains.
Coming closer, the spot grows larger. Shadows can be seen near the dancing flames of a fire, and distant voices can be heard.
A few more moments, and words in human language can be understood. The shadows turn into large rocks, and people who sit near a lit fireplace.
The little magpie spreads its wings and lands on a sharp stone formation, a safe distance away from the gathering.
A boy at the fire looks up to the bird with squinted eyes.
The bird looks back, tilting its black head.
Then, knowing quite well that it cannot be seen in the dark, the magpie decides to ignore the humans, and tries to find some bugs under the stones.

A couple of quick fixes:

The moon shines down on the Science Village near the Barrier Mountains; on Pine Village whose lanters light up the forests even in the darkest nights of winter.

"lanters" should be "lanterns"

The moonlight blankets over Crafter's Village near the river and aswell over the little Mage School, hidden well under the forest's old trees.

"aswell" should be "as well"

While all the world seems to be asleep, the small bird flys north, towards the ocean covered in the night's darkness.

"flys" should be "flies"

The animal flaps its wing and changes course, towards the orange spot flickering in the dark of the plains.

"wing" should be "wings"

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Sent from my iPhone

Regarding the first part of this thread about commas, and grammar in general, my coworkers and I often refer students to this handy link for all types of writing and grammar tips:

https://owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/

Best part is that it has a section for second language learners, so it covers the basics, too. Should be helpful any time you're unsure about your grammar.

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